Sunday, October 29, 2006

you know.

you know you've become a nuisance to your coworkers when...

- your receptionist hands you a book on illnesses. tells you to "keep it for as long as you need it". slipped inside the book is a photocopied page of the index, with "cough - pgs. 25, 26,27,28" circled and starred.

you know you're a poor keeper of your own well-being when...

- trying to pay for items in CVS, the cashier cannot ring up the eye liner because there is no bar code. he asks you to get a new one. upon bringing him the new liner, which has a wrapper/bar code on it, the cashier scans the code while commenting "you know, you probably shouldn't buy makeup that isn't sealed. that's not really safe."

you know you've had a rough night when...

- you somehow convince yourself and the random boy buying you drinks that the bar is closing too early for new york city standards as its only 2am, when in all actuality its almost 4am and you were given an extra hour at the bar as daylight savings time ended sometime during your booze-a-thon.


- you also convince yourself during the cab ride home that the driver is incompetent and taking you and your friends in the wrong direction home. upon politely yet insistently shouting through the partition "excuse me sir, where are we going? we're supposed to be going downtown, and you're going uptown.", the driver points out that the street numbers are in fact going down, and inquires if you are ok.

but, you know deep down you're a good person which compensates for the rest of your nonsense when...

- you stop your car (and following traffic) in the middle of the street for a good minute or so, to allow a man to chase around the yarmulke that the wind has blown off his head.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

and we thought we were the only ones..

Gwen Stefani samples 'The Lonely Goatherd' (the PREMIERE song from The Sound of Music, at least according to two little girls who cared little about nazis and lots about puppets) in her new song 'Wind it Up.'

missy, chrissy + bear rejoice.

now if only the video includes marionette goats with false eyelashes!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

chrissy vs. the mutant bugs

i've been wanting to report on the new job for the past few weeks now - i even came up with the ever-so-catchy title of 'dispatches from the cube' for such a feature - but every night upon dragging my tired body back from slaving over my desk all day, i just haven't found it in me to complain about the neighbor who's music i cannot tolerate, or the fact that everyone leaves their cell ringers on (vibrate, people!! common. office. courtesy.), or that my office supplies are rationed and i only have one, slightly worn, pink highlighter to my name.

however, today was just too much for me to handle
. so ever since i've started, i've been treated to stories about the mice and roaches found around the building**. and not just, you know, in the stairwell or garbage room, but under people's desks and whatnot. kind of disconcerting - especially with my penchant for keeping my shoes off while sitting in my chair - but as i haven't spied a rodent yet, i assumed these were just tall tales to scare the new girl.

oh no.

so i'm leaving a bit later than usual this evening, and chatting with a fellow coworker while waiting for the elevator. elevator arrives, door opens, he gestures to let me walk in first, and as i step through the door i freeze and let out the most pathetic girly shriek to ever escape my lips. scurrying along the elevator floor is the largest cockroach i've ever seen. seriously, HUGE. like the size of those Madagascan hissing beetles that are in the zoo. actually, this thing could have eaten one of those hissing beetles. it could have eaten the guy who cleans the hissing beetles' cage.

thankfully my heroic coworker was there, and upon moving me aside and deciphering my high-pitched, panicked and breathless explanation of why i was refusing to step further into the elevator, he chased the monster around into a corner and stomped on it. and good thing heroic coworker was wearing sturdy shoes, as i'm certain the people waiting for the elevator the floor below us heard the CRUNCH of the mutant bug's shell as he met his demise.

its two hours later and my skin is still crawling. i am so never working late again.

**my new office is located in an apartment building - hence the rodent problem. i'd love to find a hi-rise apartment buidling in manhattan that is roach-free. and people wonder why loveandcyanide traipses from outer borough to borough, refusing to call the most popular one home.

Monday, October 23, 2006

modern day vampires = lab technicians?

so i was watching The Secret Life of Vampires on the History Channel (i know. we're content-less for over a week and all i can come back with is a tv report on vampires?? pathetic. yes, indeed. but we're currently stuck in a pathetic cycle, one that involves a persistant upper respiratory infection, narcotic-laced cough syrup, and many days home on the couch watching terrible daytime television, so tv vampires are the most excitement we're able to handle right now.), and i was all pumped to get scared because after the commercial break they were breaking away from the grainy video of bela lugosi and showing what modern day vampires are up to. modern day vampires - if dracula was able to wreak so much havoc in the boring old 1800s, imagine what dastardly tricks these guys must be up to nowadays?

commercial ends, and there i sit, hand conveniently held up to face level, ready to cover my eyes from the horror i would surely soon witness. and we see vampire Dan, who says he is one of the few vampires who still drinks blood, and was going to do so on camera. eeeeekk. i braced myself for some fang/neck action, ready to see one of my worst nightmares come to life...and instead he takes a needle, sticks it in a girl's arm, and draws a vial of blood like he's testing her for thyroid problems. vampire Dan then deposits the blood from the needle into a wine glass, and then drinks it. what the hell?? nosferatu is turning in his coffin.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

another brief, angry, musing inspired by the telly.

"ugly betty" should really be called "stupid betty". she works at a fashion magazine. she should have picked up a teensy bit of fashion sense by the third episode.

"a friend to all is a friend to none."

why do all celebrities feel the need to reveal their secrets to Oprah?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

United Porno Service.

just when i think i'm not going to have anything exciting to write about today because i sleepwalked all the way to work avoiding any situation that hinted at being entertaining, slightly maniacal or majorly disastrous my building goes and gets a new UPS delivery guy.

this is not just your average run of the mill delivery man, oh no. he is a full blown fantasy postal worker. i kid you not when he walked up to my desk i thought for a second that someone ordered a stripper.

he is wearing:
1. the uniform shorts that the delivery men wear in the summer. (note: it is 63 degrees and cloudy with 80% chance of precipitation). and they are SKIN TIGHT. painted on. bulletproof even.
2. matching shirt equally as tight with sleeves CUFFED UP almost to his shoulders.

plus i swear he was flexing when he carried the three (very light) packages that he needed to strut into our back mailroom.. .

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

are there any openings in the chelsea houses?

ever the good liberal, it has never been in my nature to deny or covet government housing. my route of late, however, has me seriously reconsidering my stance on economy/politics/good taste. i've even begun to wonder if i actually start paying taxes (and declaring my rent, or even letting the government know i do not in fact still live with my parents, or even on their island) if maybe the government will see what a poor bracket i'm in and offer me compensation in the form of low-income apartments in chelsea/food stamps/gold bricks. it's the least they could do considering they have pounced on the post-graduation opportunity to make me stand as a juror, calling me within only FOUR months of completing college/becoming eligible/losing any sort of fun or interesting aspects of my life.

but back to my un-pc point. every morning i wake up at 630, two hours before i need to be in my office. i leave at 730, walk one mile to the R or V train. Transfer to the E. Take the E across town to 23rd and 8th ave and walk FOUR avenues to the westside highway.

i do this for multiple reasons.

1. nyc transit decided that no one ever needed to venture further west than 8th ave thus making the E the most western subway.
2. the cross-town m23 adds an extra 30 minutes onto my commute whereas (power)walking gets me the 4 avenues in 10 minutes and a nice healthy glow.
3. working in fashion is cool.
4. working in fashion and not in the garment district but rather mixing with the chelsea art gallery scene is uber-cool. r.lauren, h.boss and prada have spoken.

so every morning when i wake myself up with my .8 mile walk i get seriously angered by the happy people frolicking in the park next to the chelsea houses on 26th between 9th and 10th. why are these people not getting ready for work? why am i spending my entire first two paychecks a month to live in an apt 1 hour by bus/train/foot from my office when the government is virtually throwing prime space at people? and my biggest question.. whyyyyyyyy do these buildings allow dogs?!

every morning as i groggily roll down 26th street i am woken up by my now routine game of skip around the dog poo. no exaggeration, it is allllllllll over the sidewalk. apparently not only do the chelsea houses condone dogs, they also do not feel the need to post sweet little 'curb your dog' signs because they figure it is common courtesy to do so. i however, beg to differ. someone OBVIOUSLY needs to notify everyone within the range of 26th-23rd between 9th and 12th avenue that dogs go in the street. or in grass. or you pick it up. but it most definitely does not get left in the middle of the walkway.

aside from this, how does government housing even ALLOW pets?
a. if you have a low income how can you afford upkeep on an animal?
b. shouldn't they be concerned about the upkeep of their buildings?

sissy and i live in a nice, quaint, 9-apartment building, yet we cannot even have a cat for fear of damaging the wood/walls/peter the landlords sanity.

what i've noticed to be even more apparent is that these are no compact to midsize dogs. these are full on suv-sized beasts. now explain to me exactly what square footage these people are packing to fit such a hound. i have come to the conclusion that the chelsea houses must have apartments of loft-sized proportions.

tres horrifying.

i am green from envy/stench of monstrous dog feces.

moral of the story: get lower paying job. gain ten minute walk to work, fabulously located spacious apt and frou-frou shiba inu named jacques.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

halloween is fashion.

loveandcyanide loves halloween. we've loved it since back in the day when we were 4 and 1, dressed up as a pink my little pony and a baby bunny, hamming it up for dad's video camera with our plastic pumpkins full of treats. its all about candy and parties and getting to look a little out of the ordinary. whats not to love?

a brand new (at least we think) addition to the online halloween hoopla - seriously, you could spend an entire day perusing the craziness of the costume sites - are videos of people modeling the costumes. you know, because a photo of a man in a banana suit wasn't enough to convince you to purchase it. gee, i reealllly want to be that banana for halloween, but how will that yellow foam suit move as i walk down the street?

a very important question. thank goodness has made life easier for us, and for some of their costumes, beyond just the mere photo they have enabled links to video of the costume in question. the videos feature a runway and commentary on the outfit. they are probably the funniest things i've seen all week.

since we're still not technologically savvy enough to get videos in our posts (and really, would you want us to? so many, too many, bloggers rely on a youtube video as the meat of their post, thinking their job is done. lazy fools. that's what the boob tube is for. aren't you kids happy to do some good old fashioned reading when you come to our neck of the web?), here is a link to a costume, and you'll find the video, of a large man modeling a tooth fairy getup, there. enjoy.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

we miss the good old days.

i've always felt this "metrosexual" thing was a little much. all of a sudden the guys i dated used more hair products than i did. they swapped their big jeans for really tight ones. they cared more about matching their shoes to their jacket than i did.

but i was ok with it. i thought it was cute how much they cared about their appearance. that they didn't want to be grunting neanderthals in my presence. they wanted me to be pretty and groomed, and wanted to be pretty and groomed for me in return. reciprocity! it's a beautiful thing. i'm all about it.

but now its gone a bit too far. its ok for some guys - the executives in their neat little offices in their neat little pinstripe suits - to get a little prissy. but suddenly that last bastion of manliness - the construction worker - has turned a bit soft on us.

first it was sissy. she was walking eastbound on the upper east side and went under a patch of scaffolding. as she walked through she passed a pair of construction workers, and one of them said, "heyy, nice eyebrows." she couldn't ignore them like she usually does - because this exclamation was just too unique and ridiculous - so she started laughing. which must have encouraged them, as they then followed up with, "do you pluck or wax?"

a block away, after pondering the absolute insanity of that exchange, she realized that she should have retorted with "i thread" and have thrown them off completely.

then, earlier this week, it was me. i was trotting along in a flouncy skirt and my new ankle-strap zebra striped ballet flats. as i walked by a con-ed truck, i felt one of the workers following me with his eyes. as i passed by the end of the truck, he shouted, "cute shoes!" cute shoes??? what about "nice legs"? a wolf whistle? i coveted those shoes - my best friends, i expected, would covet (and compliment) those shoes as well - but a random man on the street? why wasn't he coveting my legs, not my shoes? shouldn't he have been checking out my body?

no way. boys, this is a bit too much. we're confused. please. we implore you -- go back to your vulgar, womanizing ways.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

you can't say that you weren't warned.

so this morning i was toiling away at work when suddenly a loud row started up outside. it isn't unusual to hear shouting and noise outside my new office (spastic aside: i've been wondering why i hear so much more noise at the new place, and chalked it up to its location further uptown. it finally occurred to me after about two weeks that it's because my office is now on the 3rd floor instead of the 15th. sigh.), but after about five minutes of listening to men screaming profanities at each other, a few of us went to the window to see what the commotion was.

we spied a large blue van, and the driver had the door open and was half out of the car, wildly gesticulating and screaming at another man who was standing in front of the van in the street, who was doing the same. we assumed that the vehicle must have bumped into the man in the street since he didn't appear to have been hit and injured. but what transpired between the two isn't the important part, so i'll let you all draw your own conclusions.

so as the van pulls away, we noticed the name of the company printed on its side:

Aggressive Glass & Mirror Company.