Thursday, December 28, 2006

goodbye panic!, hello sasquatch!

this week i was moved into my own office - a christmas miracle! - so i will no longer be tortured by panic! at the disco and their ilk.

along with your standard office perks like a door, giant window, and heating/cooling capabilities, i also received a few special bonuses from the guy who occupied this space before me:

a half-eaten box of cereal. (and we wonder why we have mutant roaches?)
a gray H&M scarf.
a book about scrabble. (score!)
3 jars of rubber cement.
a pile of magazine cutouts of pictures of madonna.
an issue of W magazine with madonna on the cover.
a pin that says "i am loved".

i'm keeping the scrabble book and the pin.


speaking of keepers, missy and i hit the gift-giving all-star list this year with our present to our uncle (see: fireman of monstrous proportions) - a sasquatch doll. the fuzzy brown flocked vinyl little guy has movable arms and comes wielding a chainsaw. we haven't seen our family this collectively excited over a present since our nana decorated our barbie dream house with garland. the little guy was a huge hit. within minutes after opening, squatch was named benjamin, posed for pictures, and was made an aluminum foil axe.

running a close second in the present popularity contest was nana's new deli slicer - a giant, gleaming machine that prompted our mother to have a fit of hysterics as she envisioned her mother and sister making hundreds of turkey sandwiches and selling them outside their driveway to passing motorists.

loveandcyanide wouldn't trade their family for the world.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

a far cry from a membership to the jelly of the month club.

i really can't get over the whole story about the Goldman Sacks guy who is receiving a $53 million bonus. that means he made more than 900X more than me this year. not kidding - i know i sometimes (basically always) exaggerate numbers (simply for kicks, not for harm. all in good fun, kids.), but i actually took out the calculator for this one.

do we really think he did more than 900X the amount of work that i did? the poor man won't have any time left to actually play with all those millions...


in other mindboggling news comes my new favorite story:

if i myself ever spawn, i'm definitely teaching the kids that the miracle of christmas had to do with the virgin dragon and the reptilian nativity.

my fave quote of the article:“Komodo dragons seem to be able to switch ways of reproducing to deal with a shortage of suitable boyfriends."

if only it were that easy!!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

must be the season.

tomorrow is my first official 'corporate-y' christmas party. i'm not quite sure what to expect, but i think i'll sort of feel like a failure if some middle-aged manager from another dept doesn't drunkenly hit on me.

which would be a far cry from my actual department's christmas party, which involved a game of pictionary (new fave boardgame obsession, sorry scrabble) and an awards ceremony, at which, as predicted, i did in fact receive an illness-related award. oh i did - that's what three months of being the cough monster will get ya. i am now officially the office sick girl, and have a light green piece of computer paper to prove it. it's all global warming's fault (who has allergies in december?! the pollen should be frozen by now!), so i'm not too embarrassed.

shockingly, i believe i was actually only the bronze medalist for the sorriest award, as the "future cat lady award" (self explanatory) and "food stamp award" (for the girl who goes out on so many dates she never has to pay for her own dinners), in my opinion, are way way worse.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

headline du jour.

today's favourite:

World's Tallest Man Saves Two Dolphins

don't you totally picture him plucking them down from a tree?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

safety first!

34th street is usually a pretty horrible stretch of the city but during the christmas season it becomes absolutely unbearable. i typically try to avoid it at all cost, but since i am my father's personal shopper a wonderful daughter i had to pay good old macy's a visit this evening. so i put on a brave face, called to mind as much as i could remember from my sophomore year buddhism class, and set off downtown.

while experiencing everything i was expecting from a trip to herald square - mobs of people walking at a snail's pace, copious amounts of camera flash, a near accident with a stroller, a feeling of general hatred towards the human race - i also learned something new. macy's must be solely responsible for the drop in unemployment.

why? because at every escalator on every single floor stood an employee chanting some variation of "welcome to macy's. watch your step. please hold onto the handrails." considering the number of escalators and floors in the rather large department store, that's an awful lot of people just standing around explaining to customers how to stand on an escalator.

Friday, December 08, 2006

another day, another peanut related disappointment.

so maybe i was asking too much last night when i wanted the reese's peanut butter cup cupcake to taste exactly like a reese's.

but this afternoon i went into my favorite weekday deli with few expectations. i was in the mood for peanut butter on a bagel, nothing more. i've gotten it there numerous times before and the deli guy has always done an excellent job with this simplistic-yet-satisfying lunch.

i get back to my office and bite into my bagel and feel something crunch. oh no, i think. don't tell me...oh please let that have been a burned part of the bagel. or someone's tooth. i open the bagel....

and there was crunchy peanut butter spread all about. bleh! i HATE crunchy/chunky peanut butter.

mr. peanut, why has thou forsaken me?

Thursday, December 07, 2006


Dear Crumbs,

first off, i would like to congratulate you on your business expansion. i'm certain your upper west side bakeshop must have been doing well for you to be able to open a 'flagship' crumbs store down in the village.

however, i believe if you would like to keep your current customer base, as well as gain new ones, there are a few things that you should cease doing:

1. promising free cupcakes, but then running out of free cupcakes hours before closing time and telling customers they could 'try coming back tomorrow'.

2. using plain unsalted peanut bits in your reese's peanut butter cup cupcake. reese's has nothing to do with real healthy peanut pieces, and that's what we love about it. if your cupcake is going to take reese's good name, it shouldn't deviate from its fake peanutty-ness.

3. touting your "twinkie cupcake" that supposedly tastes just like a twinkie, but then not having them in stock and having your staff act as though we are crazy for even asking for them.

4. opening your store when your seating area is not yet finished. we understand it was your first day, but there could have been a tad bit more preparation to ensure that your customers didnt have to eat their cupcakes over the garbage pails, on the ledge that held the napkin dispenser.

all best,

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

self analysis through fashion.

i've always had a penchant for making things difficult for myself. its like my brain completely disregards whatever the easy option is, and launches full throttle into the other one. i'll be going about things, anything - basic functions, routes, habits, relationships - and then try a new variation on it or see someone doing it in a different manner and suddenly have this smack-my-forehead-duh!-moment where i realize that i could have been saving myself hours/gray hairs. like when i learned how to more effectively dispose of soup.

so i now realize that this habit of mine transcends into my closet. i am a huge fan of big bottomed pants. as soon as those horrible tapered pants of my 80s childhood were behind me, my jeans swiftly evolved from bootcut to flares to the ones with 26-inch bases that drag about the floor like a train behind me. what i never before thought about though, was how much extra work these sort of pants really are.

my current faves - i have two pairs, as the first was ripped when my heel got tangled up in them and i tripped on 27th street and face-planted onto the sidewalk on my way to a rangers game, where i showed up bloody and crying, while missy and father laughed at me. one would think that had been my pants epiphany moment - are lovingly referred to as my "streetsweepers" as they are singlehandedly responsible for keeping the concrete of two cities (and the floors of numerous apartments and homes) free of debris. i know the bottoms of them are filthy, and they are almost impossible to wear in the rain, but i never really minded all that much.

until today. at some point between my car and the prescription counter of CVS the bottom of my pants became entangled in this giant blue piece of gum. a serious wad - i'd say it was at least 4 sticks of trident or 2 pieces of bubble yum. having been caught in the ripped off hem of my jeans, the wad apparently swished back and forth while i was walking, getting stuck against other parts of the hem as well as my sneaker and when i finally realized i was sticking to CVS' industrial grade carpet, there was quite a sticky mess going on. upon purchasing a scissor and spending a good few minutes in the parking lot cutting the gummy part of the jeans off, i realized that wearing clothing should not take this much effort. if it did, there'd be a lot more nudists.

this of course does not at all mean that i've learned my lesson for good -- my beloved streetsweepers, though slightly shorter on the left leg, will not be retired anytime soon - but i have found a new appreciation for the skinny jeans i was forced to buy. so at least for one day i will take the easy road - tomorrow i'm tucking a pair of them into boots and will boldly stomp down the sidewalk, discarded wads of gum be damned.