Thursday, March 22, 2007

little discoveries.

from last night. obviously at the time these were wayyy more earth-shattering.

i'll start with the disturbing one first.

a lot of people i know act exactly like dane cook. this may sound like a pathetic revelation, but the thing is i've avoided dane cook for awhile now. i've honestly never watched the guy's routine, barely even heard his voice or knew what he looked like. for some reason, from the second i was made privy to his existence, just hearing his name, i knew i'd dislike him. sure, friends and acquaintances have told me otherwise, but i know better (like when people tell me i'd like certain cheeses, and i'm sorry but i just don't).

so i happened to turn on his little show when i got home last night, and to no surprise at all i thought he was a moron. what did surprise me was that i recognized in his movements and intonations about eight people i know. exact imitations - they literally must have modeled their being on this man (in the hopes of being funnier?). which means technically i've been watching dane cook's act daily for awhile now. this fact bothers me.

now the amazing one.

imagine leaving a bar and thinking you might need to hit up an atm to be able to take a cab home. (because like a mogwai, who knows what i'll turn into if i take the subway past 10pm?) as you cross the street you spy an atm -- attached to a nathan's!!

remember the scene from Ice Age II where the cute-yet-stupid squirrel temporarily dies and finds himself in heaven with a gigantic beautiful golden acorn? yep, this felt exactly like that.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

molto moisture.

sometimes i think i'm above directions. i just assume i know how to handle the new product i am in possession of, with nary a thought as to whether or not i'm actually using it properly.


so in my apparent quest to reach the pinnacle of my old-lady dorkery before i am even 30, i requested - and received - a humidifier for my birthday. i finally decided to put it into use yesterday, having fallen ill with yet another respiratory-esque illness. (instead of the weather/shoddy air quality of my office, the blame this time falls squarely on the shoulders of recently flu-ridden Missy, and her carrier-monkey, Bear, who i'm sure collects her germs on his fuzzy little person and then lets them loose all over our couches to infect me). so deciding now was as good a time as ever to see what exactly this humidifier could do for my misbehaving sinuses, last night i filled up the canister, plugged the sucker in, and cranked it up to the highest level.

i awoke this morning to conditions similar to those found in the rainforest exhibit at your local zoo. turning off the 'difier (sounds more bad-assey that way, doesn't it?), i discovered the windowsill on which i had perched it was absolutely soaking wet. as were my blinds. and the window was all fogged up. and funny, but the floor felt sort of damp. turning on my light and taking a look around my room, i spied lines of moisture running down my walls. this was slightly disturbing. do walls sweat?

upon mopping up my room and reading the directions, i learned that maybe i shouldn't have put the 'difier on high. and if i did so, i should have left my bedroom door open. oops.

so i may have warped the floorboards, but at least i'm breathing better.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

promoting world peace through pork.

i've probably in passing, at some point, made mention of how much i love bacon. and i seriously do. i adore it. as much as someone can possibly feel emotion towards an inanimate object/food product, that's how i feel about bacon.

sixpants, knowing my feelings toward the meat, sent me this article today:

besides feeling most terribly sorry for this woman and all she is missing out on in life by refusing the most marvelous pig product on earth, i couldn't help but think that perhaps there would be so much less conflict in the middle east if everyone there would just eat some bacon.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

afternoon thoughts on symbols. and common sense.

i'm sure i mentioned this before, but as my office building isn't really an office building, but a sub-section of a large apartment building, my elevator only extends to two floors - ours, and one that houses a foreign consulate. so 9 times out of 10, if i'm not in the elevator with a co-worker, i'm in there with someone relatively new to our country. (or someone wielding a backpack and an air of adventure, of whom i immediately am jealous of as i know they are getting a visa for an extended stay in the consulate's country, a country i so badly want to go to myself but can't due to my current self-imposed moratorium on exotic travel to pay off credit card bills and the fact that my father would have a panic attack if i got any closer to the middle east than greece, as he panicked enough when we went there).

although i'm typically one to avoid elevator small talk, i know how it feels to be a stranger in a strange land so i usually take off my headphones in case i'm asked for assistance. so this morning a couple came into the building as i was waiting, and looked at the directory. the husband then marched over to the elevator and pressed the down button. we have a garage down there, so i assumed that's where they were heading. the elevator comes and the couple steps in and as i don't have any desire to play the 'ride the elevator game', i let the doors close and figured i'd get in when it came back to get me in the lobby. a few minutes pass, doors open, and the couple is standing there looking confused, ready to exit. i motion to them to stay in the elevator, step in, and then usher them out when we reach their floor.

but the reason why i launch into this long tale - aren't arrows universal? i don't ever recall visiting a place where i couldn't understand general pictorial directions, so why did this man press the down button? of course i suppose he misunderstood the directory, and thought he had to go to a lower floor, but then this is where common sense should step in - why would you ever attempt to go down in a building you enter at ground level?

i only obsess over this since it took me about 12 minutes to take an elevator up two floors. of course i could take the stairs and save myself all this interaction with confused foreign elevator passengers, but then i wouldn't have any questions for you guys...

Monday, March 12, 2007

batapulting into old age.

i hit my 'mid-late' 20's this past weekend, and while typically being the sort of person who gets walloped with the birthday blues no matter how much celebratory fun she may be having, i managed to get through the multiple-day festivities this year relatively unscathed -- even with the birthday kicking off last weekend with my grandmother making one of her "chrissy is old and needs to get married, pronto" sort of comments at the dinner table during my family party.

the rest of the highlights, in no particular order:
  • finding a 24-hour deli a mere 2 blocks away from my apt. this deli not only carries cheap wine, but also dipsy doodles.
  • sissy's rendition of eddie money's "take me home tonight", played on our rape whistle.
  • a googly-eyed hippo card.
  • a rubber bacon bracelet.
  • hearing a cover band play a rock version of "i like to move it."
  • a billionth - and i mean it, the dvd is now scratched and skipping being we've watched it so much - viewing of the 1966 Batman movie.

"they may be drinkers, Robin, but they're still human beings."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

most hated workplace phrase.

"any nibbles?"

if i worked in a restaurant, or a mice breeding facility, i doubt i would have such issues with this term. but the fact that i work in a totally-unrelated-to-nibbling industry leads me to feel seriously creeped out whenever a client, or boss, or coworker inquires if there have been "any nibbles". yes, i know, they mean leads or interest....but then say those words! nibble is not a word that lends itself to the workplace.

ugh. it makes my skin crawl.

Monday, March 05, 2007

must be the season.

so this big huge ethnic spelling question has been vexing me for years, and as the holiday it pertains to is almost upon us, i think its about time i ask this important question aloud: is the holiday celebrated on march 17th st. patty's day, or st. paddy's day?

i've tried doing some research on this to little avail - all i've discovered thus far is that 'paddy' is a somewhat derogatory nickname for an irishman, leading me to believe that patty would be the nicer, more politically correct way to spell the nickname of that most holy snake banishing saint.

i myself have always spelled it st. patty's -- probably because that spelling evokes thoughts of hamburgers and peppermints -- and i would personally say it doesn't matter how one spells it, but i've had a few people tell me i was going about it all wrong. i even once had a friend respond to an email about the holiday in question with the the two d's in paddy's in bold. a little harsh, no?

so if i have in fact been making such an egregious language error all these years, i'd be most appreciative if you, dear reader, would set me straight.